Week 22, Day 4 (Swings and roundypouts)

I'm quite chuffed to have been told quite often over the last few weeks that I'm looking incredibly "well". My nephew even used the word 'glowing' to describe me today, and yes, he still lives. Good thing no one is looking closely... I was captured by my reflection in the mirror the other day, peered a little more sharply, then thundered wailing from the room because suddenly there were WRINKLES on my face.

WRINKLES! I don't DO wrinkles! (well, not there anyway)

Teensy tiny weensy lines on my cheeks, crows feet under my eyes, dimple lines on the creases of the mouth... oh the humanity!

When your chubby cheeks are puffed out with fat, it's better than botox for plumping away the lines. Lose weight, and whammo! Not one wrinkle at a time, oh no, more like fifty per side and steadily increasing.

It's enough to make you reach for a triple chocolate sundae with extra fudge. Make that three.

So that's why suddenly this old fart got an attack of the tarties, and how bloody sad is that. I would never have described myself as vain, because I never thought I had any logical reason to take that position. But I guess I was secretely proud of my smooth skin, and my true colours were shockingly revealed when the merest hint of natural process was detected.

But it gets worse. I had wonderfully (sarcasm intentional) thunderous thighs since the age of 13, and they've been the bane of my existence. Even at 16 when I was running three miles a night trying to get fit enough to get into the army and away from home, I had ridiculously chunky hams. Hard as rocks, sure, but not at all the pencils that were in fashion in 1980. Cripes.. I'd have made Jonah Lomu cry in envy (and that is so not a good look on a teenage girl!)

Now I can't say that my thighs are approaching anything remotely reasonable in circumference yet, but they are reducing (as my clothes can attest). The cruel fact is that while they were outrageous, at least they didn't show any cellulite.

Guess what... yeah. You got it. The thighs are coming down, and now I've got orange peel under the skin.

There is no justice in the world!!