Week 20, Day 5 (Of foreskins and facials)

Remember the 'what were they thinking when they discovered...' discussion a few months back? Well, I've got another one for you.

I was watching the Entertainment channel the other night because there was nothing else of interest on (shows you how desperate I was!). Under the spotlight were the weird and wonderful things the Hollyweird people do to "improve" their looks. We thought Botox was bad - how about face cream made from foreskins?

So my question is this: what were they thinking when the first person decided to mince foreskins and rub them over their faces, and did they achieve what they thought they would? And wouldn't you have thought using foreskins would make your face ***more*** wrinkly? Where do all these foreskins come from, anyway? Circumcision is out of fashion in Western society these days (dammit ... long story), so where are they getting enough of a supply of saggy man tents ... or are they using synthetics? Why would anyone want synthetic foreskins? Come to think of it (sorry!), why would anyone want to buy/use face creams made from them, real or otherwise?

The strange things I ponder...

Another 'wonder' ingredient in face treatments is bird poop. The 'how did they think of this' is easy, if you know anyone who has a parrot. Bird lovers get pooped on so regularly that we tend to think almost nothing of it. For every story that goes around about the new parent who went to work with baby sick down their back, I can assure you there are a dozen parrot owners each day who go out similarly 'annointed', the only difference being that it's not limited to our backs.

We wash it off and/or change when we notice it, but owners of projectile poopers (ie lorikeets!) can tell you that the little buggers can get you from at least a metre away - further, if they are higher than you.

These days most of our parrots live in a large and wonderful aviary on the property, but there was a time when we had a lot of tame parrots living inside with us. In particular, I shared my office with a cockatiel (Bailee), and two Rainbow Lorikeets (Jack and Gypsy). Don't let those names fool you - Jack was the female, Gypsy was the male. Poor old Gypsy had had a very bad life before he came to us, and I'll tell his story another day. Stock up on tissues first.

But a snippet in time with Gypsy is relevant to today's musing. Back in oh... I think 1997 (?) I was on an RTC (real time chat) with another couple of parrot friends in the USA. All of us were fast typists, and all were adorned with 'wearable art' (ie our parrots).

Gypsy and Jack were climbing all over my head (I had waist-length locks back then), using my plait as a climbing rope. Nothing new about that, and you get used to sharp little toenails and the sensation of feathers against your skin and the odd tail flicking past your nose.

During a 'conversation' with one of my mates, I suddenly paused and typed:
"Uh oh..."

"WHAT???" they asked, in alarm.

"Gypsy is hanging upside down over my ear, with his vent pointing towards my head. OMG*!! Ow, yuck yuck yuck ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!"

(*cyberspeak for Oh My God!)

Yep, you guessed it. The rotter had 'fired' right inside my ear. There are not WORDS to describe what 100 mph hot and grainy lory shit feels like when it's shot deep into your ear, but I'll do my best. How about "loud" and "revolting" and "chunky" and "how the hell do I get all that out???"

To add insult to injury, he laughed in perfect mimicry of my laugh. Jack joined in and suddenly I was wearing clown headphones of mocking laughter.

What's a girl to do! (Laugh too, then get them off and stand under the shower for about a week)

Getting back to the facial treatment benefits of bird guano, I have no idea if the inside of my left ear is more silky smooth and wrinkle-free than my right, but if it is, we know why ;-)