Week 41, Day 4 (Making a list, checking it twice)

The flu has turned the corner, hooray hooray
We're getting better all the time, each day, each day
Cos now we're down to the final hours
Bring the wine (forget the flowers)
And we'll all get sloshed when baby comes marching home!

Yeah.. I'm still delirious. But in a good way :-)

I've repacked the hospital bag and made sure there's plenty of 3 month size clothes in there, just in case bubs looks ridiculous squashed into newborn sizes ;-) I drew the line at the leather mini stockman boots his Dad bought him (methinks he's already wearing a pair).

The phone has run red hot all day - clients, friends, family, and let's not forget the nearly-exploding-with-excitement Grandmothers! Granddad's at work, but I guess he'll be on the phone tonight, checking up on us.

Poor Granddad.. he's a bit of a "find a funny thing and thrash it to death" kind of guy. Some weeks back he found a cartoon in the paper of a doctor holding up a newborn the size of your average schoolchild, and the caption read "Don't worry Mrs Jones, it will all snap back into place in about six months."

The inference being.... Yeah. Men WOULD find that funny ;-)

(But let us joke about the size of their anatomy and see what happens... LOL)

Anyhoo, Cliff has repeated this one liner to me on no less than 50 occasions over the last month, even ringing us up nightly at one point to remind us that he's predicting the baby will be 13 days overdue, and will be a 14 pounder.. and follows up with the "six months" line.

He was unlucky enough to get ME on the line the other night.. not Wayne. Me, feeling seven shades of shit with this flu, me - on not nearly enough sleep, me - quietly frightened out of my mind about the whole pain/never the same again/omigod*is*this*going*to*fit scenario.

You could say I was not the most appreciative audience.

Here's a wee tip.. if you've ever really overstepped the bounds with me and are wondering if I'm about to blow, remember you're probably quite safe unless I go very quiet and very polite. Only a suicidal fool will stay in range if I'm being very soft-spoken and courteous when I should be foaming at the mouth and giving off some kind of heat.

Here's what went down (you've already got my tone & elucidation. For Cliff, insert hearty boisterous voice loaded with self-congratulatory humour.. bless him ;-)

C: "... so don't worry Karl, it will all snap back in six months!"
K: ".." (very loud silence)
C: "You know, like the joke? Six months?!"
K: "Why are you fixated on how much pain I'm going to be in, and the condition of my girly bits?"
C: "Well.. (hee hee ahem) it's funny, you know.. um,.... but it's okay (rallying) it will be okay in six months, hee hee.."
K: "Cliff, I'd like you to picture something."
C: "Yeah?"
K:"When I'm in labour, I will have your son's testicles in my right hand. Firmly. Can you see that?"
C: ".." (yes)
K: "And with each pain, I'm going to compress them. I have a strong rider's grip. Can you imagine what that would feel like?"
C: "(gulps)
K: "Now I want you to consider that perhaps you should swap places with your son, because he's not annoying me nearly as much as you are. Can you imagine the pain you'd be in? Right at this moment? You're good at imagining pain. Is it funny now?"
C: "yes.. no.."
K: "Good. We're not going to hear the six months joke again, are we."
C: "Sorry.."

He didn't ring the next night, so I fessed up to Wayne who rang his Dad to make sure I hadn't frightened him off. Poor guy - he probably didn't deserve to get in touch with Snarl (my alter ego), but you poke a pregnant woman with a stick, you can expect to lose a limb ;-)

I'll make it up to him by letting him crow about getting the date nearly right, but as long as that's ALL he gets right (grins).

So anyway, here we go. I've done the washing, put fresh sheets on the bed (Wayne made the usual clever joke about fresh sheets when you're expecting guests.. whoohoo), cleaned out the freezer, given myself a facial and I'm steadily checking everything is charged and loaded with film/memory cards/phone numbers/songs.

We've decided to videotape the birth after all. NO ONE will get to see this except us, but it's a once in a lifetime thing so yeah, let's set the camera up and let it go. Mum will have the digital camera to operate (did I tell you that, Mother? Okay, I'm telling you now). Take it up with her if you don't think she got enough pictures ;-) There's a 512 mb card in that camera, and on the low-light setting (no flash please) there should be room for about 400 pictures. I'll pack some spare batteries just in case ;-)

I'm keeping busy because we just KNOW what I'll do tonight, don't we. Yeah.

Not Sleep.

A good stiff rum is out of the question (and as for a good stiff something else, hee hee.. no bloody comment).

Perhaps Wayne should bop me over the head with a rubber mallet to make sure I get some sleep ;-)

Catch you on the flip side, guys! It will be a couple of days before I'm back home and can put pics up, but #1 Grandma will give you daily updates. Don't let her skimp on the details (although she might have trouble seeing the screen through misted glasses, LOL)

Wish us luck, a natural birth, and no complications!